Combatibility Matching System
by ChronicallyinFlaming
Summary: Written for mass kink meme. Shep hooks up with someone via Space E-Harmony, everything's lovely. Shep is smitten. Except E-Harmony lover isn't right for Shep, and one of Shep's crew knows it. Cue crewmember trying to get rid of e-lover and then ends up with Shepard.


**The Fill: **_Space E-Harmony_

_So, Shep hooks up with someone via Space E-Harmony, everything's lovely. Shep is smitten. Except E-Harmony lover isn't right for Shep, and one of Shep's crew knows it. Cue crewmember trying to get rid of e-lover and then ends up with Shepard._

_I'd like rarepairs on this, please._

_No Shenko (male or female), no FemShep/Liare, no FemShep/Garrus for final pairs._

_Have at it. :D_

**The Fill:**

* * *

Despite what he'd heard, the extranet wasn't too terrible a place to search for a date. There were a lot of people on there, after all, and so long as you took a mildly decent photo, you could get a reply. But then, of course, you had to weed through those replies, set aside the obvious weirdoes and possible murderers, and those that wanted simply for you to send them pictures of your genitals. Then go through those that you simply weren't companionable with, and find a select few that you wanted to send your heart to.

John Shepard, after spending hours in-between putting together model ships and shooting Husks, found the person that he wanted to be with for all of eternity.

At least, he thought so.

It was hard to tell when you couldn't actually meet the person who was on the other side of the galaxy, and had only photos and messages to go off of. Really, you relied on faith and your imagination to get through things. Wondering if the other person was thinking about you, if you had typed the right thing, if they enjoyed the sight of your own images. Taking in every detail about the other person's life, and wanting to know more.

'Oh, you grew up by the ocean?'

Shepard might never even meet this amazing creature, who had sent him a model ship of the new Normandy with a polite note that he read too much into.

But he was able to relax when talking to the person that had message him on the extranet dating site, wanting to in an oblique, subtle know if yes, this was the John Shepard or was the name simply a coincidence?

It was nice to talk to someone so understanding, that never seemed to mind when Shepard would send them e-mails and calls in the middle of the night, wanting to talk to someone that was outside this realm. He wasn't so naïve to think that there might have been some agenda, no matter how much it hurt to think about. Despite the photos, there could be anyone on the other side of the computer.

But he was happy, and such contentment couldn't be continually denied and rejected. He could die at any moment, so why not enjoy any precious moments with someone? Eventually, the others began to notice his growing smiles and cheerful moods.

Tali was the one to come to him. Perhaps she'd overheard something from Liara, with all her Shadow Broker connections.

Those glowing eyes were huge behind her. "…did you shave?"

"I thought, it might be a nice change."

"You're actually clean-shaven." The guarian stepped forward, illuminated by the fish tank behind her. She raised her hands, preparing to touch his cheek while Shepard went still.

"Um. It okay? It's been awhile since I shaved so close. I'm not all covered in cuts, right?"

"No, no you did a good job. Especially." A gloved finger traced around his mouth. "Here. Eh. Sorry. I shouldn't have…"

"It's okay, Tali." Something occurred to him. "You won't get sick from that, will you?"

The quarian seemed to wilt. "No. We're stronger than that, Shepard."

"That's good to here; we're going to need our full power to fight the Reapers."

"You sound like one of your VI's. But, anyway, I came to check up on you."

"Oh. Thanks. I'm okay. Even with this war going on—"

"Yes, about that. You don't seem as depressed as usual. Which is a good thing, don't get me wrong, but it's just been strange. What with so many planets on fire, we thought you would be sadder, rather than nearly skipping through the halls and playing that human music…"

"Um." Perhaps it was finally time to just reveal his new friend. He could only hope his friends were understanding. Hell, EDI and Joker weren't teased so much. "I guess I can tell you. There's someone in my life that I've recently gotten to know better."

Tali went completely still.

"I met them on the extranet. Don't laugh. There are algorithms they use. We've been talking for a few weeks now."

"If you don't mind me asking, who is this person?"

He went to his desk to pull out his private datapad, then flip to a friendly message. She took it gingerly, still seemingly confused. "'This one is glad to have met you'…Shepard. I'm fairly certain this is a hanar."

"So what?"

"…"

"C'mon. You know how diverse the galaxy is. Race doesn't matter. We just started really talking about our feelings, and what we want for the future. I don't know his soul name yet. But soon. Maybe."

"How long has this been going on?" Her voice was strangled, like her suit was tightening around her throat.

"Maybe a month ago we turned serious. Okay, I know it can only get so serious when you haven't actually met the other person. I still think he might be the one."

"Is that a joke? A pun? _What is happening_?"

"Tali, I know you don't know him yet, but give him a chance. He means a lot to me. And I dunno." He shrugged, bashful. "I think he likes me too."

"Shepard, you're an amazing person. You can meet someone in person. Someone that is at least closer to your own species, that you can talk to and hug and _touch_." Her fingers locked together, as her throat seemed to close. "Someone that respects you and knows how wonderful you are."

"I can do all that when this war is over. Then he and I can be together. And he does like me, Tali."

"He could be using you! This could all be a trap!"

"I know. But, I don't really care."

"You don't care!?"

Shepard rubbed the back of his neck. "It's, uh, for him, I'd take my suit off and risk infection. I wouldn't care what others had to say. Do you understand what I mean?"

"I think I do."

Tali left in a daze. Then seemed to stop moving as soon as his door closed, as though she was caught in something. Her scream echoed in the small hallway between his room and the elevator, and when he opened the door, only then did she stomp off.

* * *

She practically fled from Shepard, as she had never done before. Walking around, stumbling, wanting to grab the random crew member passing by and shaking them, demanding to tell them exactly what was happened to Shepard. A hanar is trying to seduce him! No, I am not drunk! But I will be, soon. She wanted to punch something, very hard, and then it in the face.

She bit her lip and attempted to get ahold of herself.

Literally grabbing her elbows, and trying to breathe through this disappointment. Crushing disappointment. It wasn't as though she'd never felt something like this before. Hadn't she stumbled idiotically around telling Shepard how she felt, when he'd asked about her environmental suit and how easily she could get sick. His reassurance that he did care…but not care for her in that way.

The table in the mess was as far as she could go, and she collapsed there, head in her arms.

Eventually, someone came in, and poked her until she looked up.

"What's up, Tali? I mean, _Sparks_."

"I'm not really in the mood to talk?"

"Oh? You okay? Is it the flotilla? Did you get some bad news from home?"

That undid her tongue. Ashley sounded nearly like Shepard, all sympathy and wanting to help. They were even both spectres, and from the same species. Maybe the other woman could help, in some way. Talk sense in Shepard, if not point him towards the quarian that feel sickeningly _pining_ whenever the man entered the room, and had once left her breathless after first seeing him in that leather jacket that she wanted to touch with her bare skin almost as much as she wanted to touch his face.

Out of respect to Shepard, she waited at least until Williams had sat down before spilling her guts.

"A what?

"That's bizarre. Really?

"You sure? A hanar?

"Shepard's into hanar?

"We can't stop him from doing this. No matter how weird it is. How strange." The human woman shook her head, still trying to deal with this new knowledge. "It will only backfire. Believe me, my sisters have dated some losers. All you can do is wait it out. And be prepared to break some arms."

"Thank you, Williams. Ashley."

"No problem. It does explain some things, I have to say."

"What? What do you mean?"

"Well, what with everyone throwing themselves at him, and him not doing anything. Do you want a drink? You look like you could use one. I think you can drink turian liquor, right?"

After three, she was able to voice her thoughts.

"It's not fair! I've known Shepard for almost three years, and this _hanar boshtet_ just come in and take him!?"

"Well, it's not like you can make him like you. Aound here, everyone seems to take a ticket to have a crack at Shepard."

"I helped him fight the geth. He's helping save my home planet. Even with the suit, I should be more attractive than a hanar!

"…then again, to be fair, they do have a lot of arms."

"I guess that's what Shepard's into. Don't take it personally, really, Tali. There were half-naked asari throwing themselves at him. Hell, men and women are always jumping on him. No one saw this one coming." Compassionately, she patted Tali's shoulder.

They took matching shots, one filtered for quarian consumption, the other some brand of heavy human liquor.

For a moment, she thought Shepard was an apparition brought on by too much alcohol and longing. The worst combination of things since she'd attempted to cook for the crew, only to poison half of them. There he stood, in that chipped armor, all tall and pretty and handsome. This wonderful human that had saved her, and had helped the galaxy so much. Smiling, at them both. At her.

But then he opened his mouth, with that voice like a hero in a holovid, and asked how they were both doing.

"Hey." Ashley's grin was pure evil distilled into lips and white teeth. "I heard about your little e-lover."

"Oh. Yeah."

"Wow."

"Uh-huh."

"A hanar, huh?"

"Yep. Actually, I think he might be related to some of Liara's half-sisters."

Those brown eyes widened. "Can I tell her that? Please."

The other's reactions were similar. The shocked, borderly distraught and uncomfortable expression on Liara's face—another crew member that had always held a soft spot for the Commander, reminded Tali of her own reaction. "I suppose this will make Shepard's grammar better." Then clutched her forehead.

"What do you mean, they're my second cousin? What are you talking about? Oh, it doesn't work like that. Not really. No, I don't think I want to attend a family reunion."

Garrus still would sometimes break into random laughter, after hearing the news. Just seeing the Commander could make the turian almost giggle, then immediately apologize. "Does he recite hanar poetry to you? No, sorry, that was over the line. But does he?"

Steve and James only raised their eyebrows and exchanged shocked looks. "Didn't see that one coming." "Mozel tov. I guess."

It fell to Tali, gods and goddess from all species help her, to talk to Shepard about his love. He'd come to the crew quarters, or when she was playing (losing) poker with Garrus, wanting to show her yes, poetry that he'd been sent. Pages and pages of it. The prose all turgid and terrible, and making her wish she could have sent Shepard quarian poetry, rich with descriptions about their homeworld, full of love for those they felt they could take their masks off for. Metaphorical or otherwise.

She hated it. And loved it when he'd come to her, just her, to tell her all about his feelings, his fears, his hopes. What he wanted in the future. A family, a home. Some place he could call his own, and use to escape from everything. Where he could be known as John, a retired soldier who liked collecting fish and regularly would shave his head almost bare, even if it showed a scar he used to be self-conscious of.

More than once, she'd have to contain herself from hugging him. Even from taking his hand. I'll take you home, to my home, I know who you are Shepard, you don't have to pretend with me. She wanted to hold him, pull his head to her chest, and tell him that after this war, she would make a home for him.

But then the Commander was handing her a datapad filled with 'this one cares deeply' and 'It wonders how much John would like to see movie featuring Blasto The Hanar Spectre, sometime in the future?' And Shepard's own remarks back that were like getting a knife to the stomach.

It was pathetic, to wish those stumbling, awkward declarations of affection and _love_ were aimed at her. She would have loved even the worst compliments and clumsy flirts.

It was unfair, to just expect Shepard to care for her in return. He was kindly to everyone. Would practically give orphans the shirt right off his back. Just because he'd helped her so much, had referred to her as Tali'Zorrah vas Normandy. Their cultures were different, and he clearly must have no idea how attractive he was just for that alone.

The worst part, beside sometimes getting distracted from repairs to the Normandy with images of Shepard having some estimation of sex with a hanar, was how oblivious he was to her. Her feelings for him, the way she acted like such a fool when he was around, that her blush could be seen even through her mask, the way she'd wince visibly when he'd talk about his 'boyfriend' and show her vacation photos of him at the beach.

It was enough to almost make her take up Cortez, Vega and Williams (and a very confused Javik) offer to go to the bar to blow off steam. 'And meet someone,' was the subtext. And she couldn't—not just because she was still so attached to their handsome Commander and would have felt guilty, but because she simply couldn't just go home with someone without risking infection. A part of her wanted to, damn her sinuses, just so she could try and rub it into Shepard's face. It being that she could go out and get laid, not, not well, anything else. Well, that too, but also just so sneeze around John, this cold, oh, well, after I had vigorous sex with this tall handsome soldier and I'm sick after he fucked me raw on some hotel bed.

Every fantasy of finding some man and having vigorous, fever-causing sex with him turned into her and Shepard in his bed. Having him slowly undress her, not shying away from touching her, making love under the glow of his aquarium and counting every model over and over again while his tongue and fingers left her even slicker before having her again and again. And she would take him into her mouth, taste him, no matter how dangerous it was.

"No, ah, that's alright. You guys go on ahead."

So instead of taking her chances with a stranger, she found herself finally installing a nerve stimulator.

And helping Garrus calibrate the guns, and wiping down armor with Ashley and helping Cortez deal with Vega's jokes and fixing up the Normandy. Plus spending time with EDI, and sometimes with Joker there and feeling like a third wheel. After trying to upgrade Glyph, Liara no longer allowed her into that room unsupervised. In-between talking to Shepard, somehow slipping further in love with the continually clean-shaven soldier. That, and spending too much time in her bunk.

The hanar's names was full of apostrophes, and that only made Tali hate him more. As did the nickname Shepard gave what he now called his boyfriend. Plus the inside jokes they'd make over his terminal, and the sound of that creature's voice filled her with revulsion and dread. Even worse, perhaps, than when she'd met Legion.

When she found herself sitting on his bed, as she'd dreamed, he'd invited her up there not to peel the armor off her and scarf antibiotics, but to help pick out the best outfit for his e-date thing. A camera arranged on his desk that now made her shudder. That old fantasy of Shepard contacting her at the flotilla, confessing his love, saying that he wanted to be with her, and then basically showing her a vid of him naked and touching himself, repeating her name complete with 'vas Normandy' attached.

Her hand, covered as always, brushed against his pillow. "Are you, John, if you don't mind me asking, do you like men? Males? Of other species?"

"I never thought about it much. I've just been waiting to meet the right person." A smile. Then he began taking off his shirt. "I think maybe you're right and the other one will look better."

Tali installed a second nerve stimulator, after the first one broke.

* * *

By that time, she'd passed some sort of mental barrier that finally allowed her to say yes, let's go to the bar, not just to drink, yep, let's see if there are any male quarians on the Citadel, oh, bring along Liara's dad, yeah, why not? It was through that action Tali finally found herself breaking down. Thankfully, only Liara saw her weeping at the bar before this thousand-year-old asari that poured a good drink, and was full of advice. Not necessarily great advice, but still.

"If you want this guy, go after him. Hop in his bed and tell him you've been hot for him for a while now, and if he had a quad, he'd finally go for it."

"Shepard does so have a quad. Well. You know."

"Shepard? Commander Shepard?" A wary glance at Liara.

The Shadow Broker brushed off the look of concern. "Father, it's quite alright."

"Well, if you say so. My advice goes for both of you. Either. Both?"

"No."

"Alright."

"He's just so—"

"Perfect?"

"Yes. And handsome. And tall. And muscular. The quarians don't build them like that."

"He is a very interesting man." Liara looked into a drink numerous shades darker than her skin. "I don't believe there's anyone else like him in the galaxy."

Aethyta narrowed brown eyes, considering the two sitting there. "Sure not both?"

"I…am sure. Yes."

She slammed a three fingered fist onto the bar. "He's the most important person in my life, and he's dating a hanar!"

"Huh."

"John never looks at anyone the way he does _pictures_ of that hanar! And there's always someone throwing themselves at him. At every planet, there was women. And men. Even the mercenaries would stare if he took off his helmet."

"So, Shepard's into hanar." Aethyta gave a low whistle. "That does explain some things."

"It's not fair."

"Kid. Life isn't fair. All you can do is try to wrangle some happiness out while you're still here. If you like this guy, go for it. Hell, there's a war on. You could both be blown up pretty easily."

"Father. That's not exactly helping."

"No. I'm just going to do it. Throw myself at him. I have things to boost the antibodies. And I trust Shepard. I know he'd never hurt me. It's time. I think. Before he gets too serious. And, I dunno, has a baby with that hanar.

"I just need a few more drinks."

"I don't think that's how it works with hanar."

"Yeah. Or else I wouldn't have had to be the one to squeeze out my middle kid."

* * *

They were the last ones in, coming in smelling even stronger of liquor than the others. Liara burst into giggles at the sight of him, pushing Tali towards him.

"Go get him."

"Knock it off, Shadow Broker. Why don't you go make out with Glyph some more?"

Which made them both laugh.

John could only stand there, amused over their antics. It wasn't that they didn't get along, but seeing them telling jokes and teasing was definitely new. As was the drinking. Especially from Liara, who had grown so tense and solemn, a very different person from the one he'd met and helped save from Saren's hired men.

And Tali had definitely matured as well, able to make choices that effected so many. Definitely not the nervous quarian on the run for her life anymore. Now, anyone who messed with her would get a shotgun blast to the head.

…but she was still young, and a lightweight. When she fell into his arms, he was able to hold her up easily. Then scoop her up when her legs seemed to fully fail her.

The quarian girl was muttering, touching his chest. "You're really so very tall."

"Um. Thanks? You okay? Do you need to see the doctor? The non-archeologist doctor?"

"She's fine. Really."

"I guess everyone needed to blow off some steam." Tali kept grabbed at his hands, trying to move them.

"Up here, John."

"Uuuh. Tali?"

Liara still stood there, unsmiling. "Everyone except you, Commander. You always seem to be in control. Except for that hanar."

"Hey. I've passed out on Aria's couch. Once. Now she has her men throw me onto the elevator."

"Really? But only the hanar you've wanted to…"

"To date? He sort of messaged me and started it all. You should meet him. After the war, and everything. You and Tali and everyone else."

She was looking at the woman in his arms. "Shepard, really, you have no idea what influence you have on impressionably females, do you?"

The Commander looked for a long time at Liara. That hug on Illium, all she'd done to save him from the Collectors, the long looks when they'd first met that followed him. What was being implied in this conversation that he had no idea how to handle. "Ah."

"You sound like a varren." Liara was smiling again. "You should take Tali to bed."

"Which one is her bunk? Because I don't think she can tell me in this state."

"Oh, John. Take her to _your_ bed."

"Why—uh. I can't do that."

Tali finally offered her opinion on all this, "Please do that."

"Um. Can we all just talk about this? Can I sit down?"

"Are you dizzy, John?"

"Confused."

"Tali. That's your…"

"I think I'll take my leave now. John, don't leave her alone. Please. At least talk to her."

He felt his jaw tighten, but thankfully not the cupped around Tali's rear end. It stung, to be reprimanded, to have those blue eyes informing him that he was failing some moral test. "Of course."

The softest touch of a smile. "And go easy on her, Shepard."

He had no idea what_ that_ meant either. All he was in the end was a soldier, one that could follow orders and hope not to hurt anyone. Shepard took Tali to his room, nervous, and reasonably sure he was going to make things worse. Everything in here looked different, when you were carrying a friend in, still cupping her ass.

Strange, to see Tali vertical in this room. Lying on his bed, on her side. Impossible to make out her expression, but from her general body language, she was miserable.

"Oh, oh. I'm that turian. In the bar. With that quarian that was definitely just his friend."

"Huh?"

"I'm the one with the installed nerve stimulator, but I'm also the turian."

"…nerve stimulator?"

"Pathetic."

"You're not pathetic, Tali. Is this about the fleet?"

"For once, Shepard, it is not. No, this one is all about me. Me, being selfish. Ugh. You were drunk and on Aria's couch, and you're dating a hanar. I am _pathetic. _Even the _ship _has a boyfriend, no offense EDI."

The overhead speaker sounded, "None taken, Tali."

"I think I saw Garrus checking out Ashley. And Liara's going to probably date Javik. And then they're all going to have wonderful lives, and lots of babies. You and that hanar, with its _poetry_."

"Oh. Tali. Is that what this is about? You're going to meet someone nice. The suit doesn't matter. You're a perfectly nice woman with or without it. In fact, it's a pretty suit. You look nice in it."

Those glowing eyes stared at him, while his tongue went stupid. "Do you want me to help make you a personal ad?"

For all her misery and drunkenness, Tali still managed to throw the clock at his head, cursing his existence and pretty, empty head.

* * *

Tali awoke way in a way too comfortable area. The drool had nearly dried inside her suit, and that was almost reassuring to know. She'd fallen asleep. But only for a little while.

…On his bed. Fully clothed.

John sat next to the terminal, typing quietly. If not for her ringing head, and the confusion, it might have been a cozy domestic moment. Slowly, gingerly, she sat up to watch him. Him and the fish swimming nearby with no idea how lucky they were not to have higher brain function that drove you to drinking and moping and using Liara's Shadow Broker connections to look up pictures of Shepard before he'd joined the Alliance, and wanting him even more after seeing him with that longer hair. If she asked him to grow it out, would that be completely over the line?

Through the filters on her suit, she could smell him all over his pillow. Soap and shampoo.

"John?"

"Oh, Tali, you're already awake?"

All wholesome and bathed in the light from the fish tank and his screen. Still clean-shaven.

What she'd wanted for so long, although with much less sex and more drunken half-assed confessions that were met with confused blue eyes. Hopeless, her chances were. Only after she'd literally thrown herself into his arms did he even notice how she felt. If she'd been subtle, it would have taken fifty years just to get him to touch her.

But he had last night, yep, Tali had grabbed his hand and forced him to grope her.

If only she could blame Liara, or her father for this one. But as always, Tali had to shoulder responsibility. Well, at least John had gone further with her than his 'boyfriend.'

Eventually, she managed to get off the bed. And then managed to rise from the floor.

Everything was a horrid, churning mess of nausea. She'd never before given such thought to what would happen if she threw up in her suit. The fish were making her sick, with their _moving_. That hamster wheel was so loud, she had no idea how he could stand listening to it. The hangover left her with a ringing head and no room for subtly. "Shepard, why are you with him? You've never seen him, and I've never seen you even look twice at a hanar."

Shepard was a well of unending patience. "He treats me differently than everyone else. They see this Commander Shepard, but he calls me John. Asks about my hobbies and childhood. I think he's about to start referring to himself as 'I' soon."

She grabbed Shepard by the shoulders and pulled him in closely. "_I_ am here. I am here."

"I know you are." The blue eyes were huge. He paused, looking at _her._ "I'm not a cheat, Tali."

The quarian was sick of hangovers and dumb heartaches. They both were too old for this, to stumble around. She was an admiral, with lives depending on her, and John had even more responsibility resting on those shoulders. So why did those broad shoulders give her such hesitation? Could she go what Williams had suggested, and just wait it out? "No. You're not. That's part of why I like you so much."

What had the others suggested? Liara, supportive, and offering to find blackmail on that e-date of Shepard, joking maybe. Joker with strikingly similar advice to Aethyta, and EDI only backing him up. Chakwas with pats on the back. Kenneth and Gabby were all flirts and smiles at each other and only made Tali feel more alone. Garrus, still laughing over any mention of John and his boyfriend. Javik, just shaking his head over Tali asking for his advice.

She'd even turned to Miranda, both uncomfortable with the entire conversation, especially when Jack had appeared in the background of the terminal screen, naked and carrying what looked like a drumstick, asking why the cheerleader had left the bed. Both Tali and Miranda's expression matched each other. It was probably the best conversation she'd had with the ex-Cerberus agent.

Her hand touched his bicep. "You know, I care for you John. No matter what."

"I care for you too, Tali. You…don't have to leave."

It would have been the smart thing, maybe, to leave. Shepard probably should have taken her to her bunk rather than let her sleep it off so close to him. The suit allowed her to feel a poor imitation of what his skin felt like.

"You want me to stay here?"

His hand was reaching out for her's, gently. She could feel his callouses through her gloves. "Yeah. Yes. And it's not just because you're physically here either.

"Would it have been better to have told you earlier?"

"Then I could have avoided deleting those spam messages from people wanting to see my penis. I'm—I shouldn't have said that. From the dating site. You know, you've been very patient with me."

Tali had to laugh, still holding his hand. "I can keep being patient. For a little while anyway. Until you get this all sorted out."

"Thanks. I appreciate that. Until I talk to, well, not to put any pressure on you. Any expectations that would make you uncomfortable."

She pressed her head against his, mask against a face that she could almost feel the warmth from. Through the damned suit, Tali could almost feel Shepard's kiss. Definitely worth everything. Even the threat of getting sick with an awful fever and cough that would drive her insane as she tried to perform maintenance on the ship. "I can wait."

He was smiling, and looking into her eyes as best he could. For once, they didn't need to stutter or gesture wildly "Does this mean I'm the oblivious quarian?"

"I suppose that depends on whether or not you want to watch Fleet and Flotilla with me?"

"Rather than watching another Blasto holovid?"

"Not even funny, Shepard. You're just lucky I'm only using you for your body."

"Right. Why do you think the hanar liked me so much?"


End file.
